Fairy tales have been part of our growing-up.  Stories of magic, love, rescue, princesses and princes have touched the hearts of both the young and old. Happy-ever-after-endings are always the best part of every story; where a prince awakens a princess’ long forgotten sleep, or a frog turned to a prince with a magical kiss of the princess.

Disclaimer:  Chris was not a client.  There was no breach of professional contract.

I met Chris [not his real name] along with my friends in one of his gigs.  There was nothing extraordinary during our first encounter.  It so happen that we had common acquaintances and friends that made my/our visit to their band’s gigs more often.

I was at a birthday party of one of my friends when I received a text message from an unknown number/person.  It was Chris. 

He sought for guidelines regarding his complex-personal-life-situation — His wife, along with their child, abandoned him.  This was the first warning sign, which I admittedly brushed off — not to limit Chris to be heard and to be understood.

I gave myself a chance to know him more.

Our friendly talks ended into sweet conversations.  Each day was a “Beautiful Surprise”.  He went the distance to catch my full attention.  

On one occasion, a friend commented about Chris’ effort and display of affection, “He’s too good to be true.”

Still, Chris captured my heart.  He was my prince charming… Or so I thought…

… to be continued

… The Break Of Silence continued

Yelling at living things does tend to kill the spirit in them.  Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will break our hearts… - Robert Fulghum

Below is a checklist of behavioral manifestations of a verbal abuser.  This is the “Bottom Of The Iceberg” - the hidden part of the iceberg.

1. Irritable

2. Likely to blame his mate for his outbursts or actions

3. Unpredictable [you never know what will anger him]

4. Angry

5. Intense

6. Unaccepting of his mate’s feelings and views

7. Unexpressive of warmth and empathy

8. Controlling

9. Silent and uncommunicative in private, or frequently, demanding or argumentative

10. A “nice guy” to others

11. Competitive toward partner

12. Sullen / sluggish

13. Jealous

14. Quick with come-backs or put-downs

15. Critical

16. Manipulative

16. Explosive

17. Hostile 

18. Unexpressive of his feelings

[The Verbal Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans pp. 41-42]

In the next posts, I will expound on the checklist to give example situations of each behavior. 

… to be continued

… Break Of Silence continuation

Denial and disbelief were the initial reactions I had when I first heard of words and seen peculiar actions from my partner that made me uncomfortable. Those words and actions lingered in my mind for quite sometime which caused me to feel like walking on eggshells whenever I was with him.

It all started when I noticed his inquisitive behavior about my whereabouts, my friends, my time, my social networking, my work, my likes, my dislikes, my past, my present, etc.   Admittedly, his Harry-Houdini-take-you-by-surprise appearances was flattering at first glance, knowing that someone be interested in what you do and who you are.  It not only shows interest, but a sense of intimacy to be more acquainted to your partner. 

However, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” 

From that time on, each day was a domino effect of one event to another.  The more he knows me and my world, the more he feels he has gained power over me.  And this “power” is primarily manifested through piercing words that comes out of the mouth; verbal abuse .  

The first manifestation of verbal abuse may be concealed in a half-meant joke of name-calling or defining a person.  If you and/or/together with your friends have been labeled as stupid “tanga”, bitch “puta”, flirt “malandi” or any demeaning adjectives, then you have been verbally abused.

Below the belt jokes are subtle attacks of the abuser towards the partner, without the intention to primarily hurt, but rather to vent out “power”, “anger” or “disappointment”.  If you notice, I intentionally quoted on the words power, anger and disappointment.  It is because, according to the book of Evans, verbally abusive individuals have needs to take control, have unexpressed anger and have unresolved disappointment that were rooted from their childhood, contributed by the family and the environment where s/he lived in during the formative or crucial years of life. A deep-rooted wound that leaves a person broken and even irreparably damaged if not addressed.

What I experienced and witnessed was just the peak of the iceberg.

… to be continued

INTRODUCTION

As a Life Coach-Counselor, part of my function is to further explore and learn about different issues and situations that may hurdle in the life of an individual.  For the past few months now, I have been sporadically reading a book by Patricia Evans called “The Verbally Abusive Relationship”.   The book tells about a dysfunctional relationship with a verbally abusive partner, who can be a man or a woman for that matter.  But according to the author [Evans], men are more prone to verbal abuse than that of women, as I will further discuss in my exploration.

As I went through each page of the book, I could not help but look back and assess the relationship I recently had.  I thought then, maybe this was the reason why my friend/colleague gave this book to me as a present on Valentines Day.

As I mentioned earlier, it is within my turf to explore and examine the diversities of life and people.  In this way an emphatic and non-judgmental environment is predisposed during counseling or coaching sessions.  

Ironically and without a warning, this daunting situation happened in my own life.  I was verbally abused by the person I trusted and loved.

I chose to write about this to share my own experience to women and even to men who went through, or is going through the same situation that I was in, a couple of months back.  With the help of the book of Evans, I will relay personal insights about how I went through a verbally abusive relationship.  This material aims to open up awareness that verbal abuse is happening, and can happen to anyone and in any kind of relationship.

… to be continued